when a heart has 2 homes

i have never claimed to be some kind of master at love i know very much on the topic i just tend to pay it by ear lisening to my gut and heart the whole way doing what feels right and thats not always an easy task it can be a lot of work and takes scarafice but isnt that what love is i mean it sound like that to me anyway there was a time when i was an escort when i was 23 i stated using to take back the power i lost at a young age at the same time making money i was sexually abused by my younger brothers dad and it made me hate anything to do with sex it was like pulling and i held guilt for stepping out mentally when i did have sex then when i started using the niddle i became a zombie and i started using my body to claim the chain of life i was cold and heartless and i got mine i didnt steal or cheat on dealings but led on i teased and sold a fantacy to older a dream of there being to our inrteractions then money while always giving them constent reminder that its all just part of the part and to make sure i hadnt lost them to a diluion i was a monster a pretior i would eat men up spit them out and have them beging me for more i even had some of their ladies but no matter who was by on or in me i was alone i was alone and i was fucking lonely .

then i had my 1st instent spark i was in the middle of trying to track down a pieace of shit that stole every i had i had nothing on me not even shoes i was taking to a small out door room where there were a few people to see if i could get a ride and there he was leaning agenst the dreser wearing a black long sleeve raider tee shrit black jeans black tenies he had a gold chain on his wrist and neck a dimond stud on his ear and he was drinking a natural ice tall can. i cant give what happened a name because i dont know what it was , it was like there was this vibrational jolts of engery fast and bright i remeber how the it felt as it rippled through my body i knew you were my 1st cosmic introducion i just was in the middle of a hard time and was in no shape ready for your arival and for that i will always carry shame and guilt. the few times we were around one another i know and knew that i was feeling but i had no idea why or what but it was your higher self no punt intended lol it was your inner you it was and will always be comic when we are together our souls are interacting and our bodies are just along for the ride speaking for myself you are one of my fav drugs when im not with you i long for you its deeping then missing i want you from the deepest part of my soul no matter what i do where i go or who i am with and around you are always in my minds eyes i can see you with my minds eye and i hold your image in my heart i know that you might not beleive me and i dont blame you in fact i want to say that i am so sorry from the botttom if the deepest part of my heart and soul i would never mean to hurt you ever i wish you knew just how special you are to me even when my actions make it easy to question it wasnt easy to do anything that hurt us timing is the monster for being so off i know for 100 & plus that timing is the why it is as it is during the TIMING of that i found yet another cosmic connection and even though i am with him or have been with him just because i love him does not take away from me loving you it dont what else to say other i have abndoment issues and it take a lot to keep me feeling secure and wither it be a front or yor true self its a gamble i havent been able to take the other part of it is my feeling like im needed by him like im the only one who understands for his true self being that i know how it feels to be abandoned i cant do it to someone else you dont need me sometimes you want me but you do need me and he never wants me unless someone else does but he always needs me even if he would never admit to i dont know if youll ever read this or if you even care since the times that we together your actions made it clear that i was nothing more a on call hole it confuses me because your actions words and vibes are all different and i never know which one is the truth i would have stayed with you i picked you but your so flighty and always doubting me and questioning me and my motives you make it easy to walk and stay but only for a moment because then my heart yells out to me and crys for you i dont know how much time i have left on this earth but the thought \of leaving it before having chance to tell you my true feelings hurts me one last thing i need to voice is that i also hold a bit of comfornt in knowing in my heart that you are one of my soul mates and that we are bonded deeper then this human vessel and that we will meet again at some point in some world that is probaly the main reason i am able to wait and go with the flow .

when a heart has 2 homes

i have never claimed to be some kind of master at love i know very much on the topic i just tend to pay it by ear lisening to my gut and heart the whole way doing what feels right and thats not always an easy task it can be a lot of work and takes scarafice but isnt that what love is i mean it sound like that to me anyway there was a time when i was an escort when i was 23 i stated using to take back the power i lost at a young age at the same time making money i was sexually abused by my younger brothers dad and it made me hate anything to do with sex it was like pulling and i held guilt for stepping out mentally when i did have sex then when i started using the niddle i became a zombie and i started using my body to claim the chain of life i was cold and heartless and i got mine i didnt steal or cheat on dealings but led on i teased and sold a fantacy to older a dream of there being to our inrteractions then money while always giving them constent reminder that its all just part of the part and to make sure i hadnt lost them to a diluion i was a monster a pretior i would eat men up spit them out and have them beging me for more i even had some of their ladies but no matter who was by on or in me i was alone i was alone and i was fucking lonely .

then i had my 1st instent spark i was in the middle of trying to track down a pieace of shit that stole every i had i had nothing on me not even shoes i was taking to a small out door room where there were a few people to see if i could get a ride and there he was leaning agenst the dreser wearing a black long sleeve raider tee shrit black jeans black tenies he had a gold chain on his wrist and neck a dimond stud on his ear and he was drinking a natural ice tall can. i cant give what happened a name because i dont know what it was , it was like there was this vibrational jolts of engery fast and bright i remeber how the it felt as it rippled through my body i knew you were my 1st cosmic introducion i just was in the middle of a hard time and was in no shape ready for your arival and for that i will always carry shame and guilt. the few times we were around one another i know and knew that i was feeling but i had no idea why or what but it was your higher self no punt intended lol it was your inner you it was and will always be comic when we are together our souls are interacting and our bodies are just along for the ride speaking for myself you are one of my fav drugs when im not with you i long for you its deeping then missing i want you from the deepest part of my soul no matter what i do where i go or who i am with and around you are always in my minds eyes i can see you with my minds eye and i hold your image in my heart i know that you might not beleive me and i dont blame you in fact i want to say that i am so sorry from the botttom if the deepest part of my heart and soul i would never mean to hurt you ever i wish you knew just how special you are to me even when my actions make it easy to question it wasnt easy to do anything that hurt us timing is the monster for being so off i know for 100 & plus that timing is the why it is as it is during the TIMING of that i found yet another cosmic connection and even though i am with him or have been with him just because i love him does not take away from me loving you it dont what else to say other i have abndoment issues and it take a lot to keep me feeling secure and wither it be a front or yor true self its a gamble i havent been able to take the other part of it is my feeling like im needed by him like im the only one who understands for his true self being that i know how it feels to be abandoned i cant do it to someone else you dont need me sometimes you want me but you do need me and he never wants me unless someone else does but he always needs me even if he would never admit to i dont know if youll ever read this or if you even care since the times that we together your actions made it clear that i was nothing more a on call hole it confuses me because your actions words and vibes are all different and i never know which one is the truth i would have stayed with you i picked you but your so flighty and always doubting me and questioning me and my motives you make it easy to walk and stay but only for a moment because then my heart yells out to me and crys for you i dont know how much time i have left on this earth but the thought \of leaving it before having chance to tell you my true feelings hurts me one last thing i need to voice is that i also hold a bit of comfornt in knowing in my heart that you are one of my soul mates and that we are bonded deeper then this human vessel and that we will meet again at some point in some world that is probaly the main reason i am able to wait and go with the flow .

minding his own bussniess rooting my room

while in my addicion i placed smoking pot on the back burnner but never gave it up completely. i had just moved into my 1st apartment and had a house full when i got a home my tribe got a home it was a studio so it was small but it was packed and it was nice . i had gone to the club the week before and got some bomb i was saving for my come down after getting off work i had 3 days to look forward to i was a zombie and ready for my 3 day nap and the only thing that gave me drive to get home was knowing i had that bomb. when i got home my little brother was on the couch and already blown out of his mind ” you wana smoke” he asked laid out and looking up at me from under his low set beanie ” ya ill match you” before i could go to my closet of a room he protested for me to hold off and just hit the shit so i sat down next to him and took in a long deep hit holding it in for as long as i could brfore letting it out and choking half to death we smoke 2 blunts and i was feeling perfect we talked stoner talk laughed and watched a stoner flick when the high started to fade i wentto my room to get my match i couldnt find it for the life of me just as i was ready to acept that i was losing my mind my brother yelled out “oh hey so like earlier i was in your room just like minding my bussniess rooting your room and ah so you know that weed we just enjoyed well um thankz” that little fucker was my heart and soul and he could never do any wrong plus he was lucky that it was pretty good bud i went out to give him a sock to the leg and an i love you before falling to the floor and passing the fuck out little brothers right what you going to do?

1st lost 1st break no goodbye

i knew that grandma would be leaving and going to heaven and though i didnt understand why i knew that i could not go with her. as if it wasnt already a stressful situation my good ol family felt the need to step in and play god they kicked my mom out and then sent me to stay ” spend the night ” at an aunt and uncles but a night turned into a week and then 2, 3, up untill then i had slept in my grandmas bed every night and had never spent a night away from her for 8 years so its not too much of a shock to know that i didnt cope all too well with that arrangement i acted out had melt downs and even tired to run away i begged to go home but it didnt seem to matter after my aunt walked in on older cousin “playing doctor ” with me and my 2 other girl cousins one 7 and one 4 my favorite uncle came to get me and take me to his house “i want to go home” looking at me in the rearview mirro with a light warm smile he said ” kid i know you want to go home and i know how much you love grandma i love her too ya know shes like a 2nd mom to me and my best friend i really scared and i need your help okay i need you to be strong and be a big girl right now so my sister can rest without worry of anything so she can beat this so she can get better can you do that for me machi?” uncle paul is the best uncle anyone could ever ask for he is kind and loving funny and paitent and he always knows how to talk to us kids in a way that we understand no matter what age we are he is always feeding our minds and uses every situation to teach us about life. ” uncle paul if im good can i go home when grandma is better” ” kid as soon as the doctor gives the green light i will take you myself i pinky promise” ” but uncle we did not make our pinkys hook” ” havent i always told you the truth kid can i owe you a pinky hook when we get home” ” when we get to your home uncle ” he just chuckeled and noded a few moments later we were in his driveway before getting out he turned to look at me and looked like he was crying ” kid im sorry for everything im sorry that little puck hurt you im sorry my sister is sick im sorry your parents are not around but you are not alone you have me and you will always have me even when you go back home i will always be here for you i love you kid” ” i love you to” we got out and went inside i had 3 older girl cousins there who were all excited to have me over love and being welcomed were not something there was a shortage on my uncle paul had merried my aunt debbie and had taken on her 4 kids 3 girls 9 11 15 and and a boy 13 but bobbie wasnt like my other cousin he never hurt any of girls and when we would watch 3 nijas he would always say ” girls you need to fight likethat whenever any body ever trys to hurt you. if it wasnt for me being so attached to my grandma and me being such a needy kid uncle pauls is were i should have stayed its were i would have stayed. things were going pretty smooth and i actually made it longer there than anywhere else one day i was outside playing with the closer to my age i went in side the house to go pee when i came out i heard banging coming from the girls room so i went to take a peak when i opened the door i saw uncle paul hammering away and singing along to the song coming from the peoples radio across the street ” why you doing that unc” he turned to look at me and the look on his face was hard to read ” hey kid i was hoping to have been done before you guys came in i wanted it to be a suprize for you i know it smaller then the girls bed but its your own little conner what you think” i lost all color in my face as my heart fell to my tummy my hand got cold and wet and my heart beat picked up ” uncle um uncle paul… why ” tears filled my eyes i wanted to go i had had enough run around if the grown ups wouldnt take me home i was going to go myself without another word i turned and bolted out the front door i ran as fast as i could and i didnt look back i had no idea were i was or how to get to 760 britten lane but i was going home i ran till i got a cramp and coulnt breath it sucks that the grown ups were so much more faster uncle paul being the great care taker he was was not too far behind me but inlike my 2nd fav uncle jo who were i was at last uncle paul didnt yell or call me names he didnt grab my arm or scare me he just grabed me and huged me and with tears running down his face with a kind tone said ok ok kid we will call your mom ok would you like to go with her? ” ” i want to go home uncle why you doing this i want gama please just let me go with gama” with those words he fell apart ” oh kid dont you understand you cant go home home isnt home anymore ” yes it is lier im not lying kid stop meany your lying i want to go home you cant go home why you steal me for huh why you kidnaped me from gama hers gona tell the jail guys and you gona go to jail all of you will for naping me away i hate you i want gama for him to have gotton to the state he was in he had to be hurt ” your grandmother my sister oh god why my sister why lily christina your grandma is dying its almost time for her to go home with god nooooooooo stop telling that to me no please i wana go with her i wana go home you take me home right now i dont wana go with nae i hate her i will never go with her she not my mom i wana go with grandma please im sorry kid im sorry for everything and im sorry you cant understand its not fair and im sorry i cant fix it im sorry kid so gama got to leave and not say bye why her not say bye she hates me fine i hate her to fine i hate everyone im going to go home with god and she cant come at this point my cousin ruben pulled up and after a few words with uncle paul put me in the car were we going uben im taking you home

1st lost 1st break no goodbye

i knew that grandma would be leaving and going to heaven and though i didnt understand why i knew that i could not go with her. as if it wasnt already a stressful situation my good ol family felt the need to step in and play god they kicked my mom out and then sent me to stay ” spend the night ” at an aunt and uncles but a night turned into a week and then 2, 3, up untill then i had slept in my grandmas bed every night and had never spent a night away from her for 8 years so its not too much of a shock to know that i didnt cope all too well with that arrangement i acted out had melt downs and even tired to run away i begged to go home but it didnt seem to matter after my aunt walked in on older cousin “playing doctor ” with me and my 2 other girl cousins one 7 and one 4 my favorite uncle came to get me and take me to his house “i want to go home” looking at me in the rearview mirro with a light warm smile he said ” kid i know you want to go home and i know how much you love grandma i love her too ya know shes like a 2nd mom to me and my best friend i really scared and i need your help okay i need you to be strong and be a big girl right now so my sister can rest without worry of anything so she can beat this so she can get better can you do that for me machi?” uncle paul is the best uncle anyone could ever ask for he is kind and loving funny and paitent and he always knows how to talk to us kids in a way that we understand no matter what age we are he is always feeding our minds and uses every situation to teach us about life. ” uncle paul if im good can i go home when grandma is better” ” kid as soon as the doctor gives the green light i will take you myself i pinky promise” ” but uncle we did not make our pinkys hook” ” havent i always told you the truth kid can i owe you a pinky hook when we get home” ” when we get to your home uncle ” he just chuckeled and noded a few moments later we were in his driveway before getting out he turned to look at me and looked like he was crying ” kid im sorry for everything im sorry that little puck hurt you im sorry my sister is sick im sorry your parents are not around but you are not alone you have me and you will always have me even when you go back home i will always be here for you i love you kid” ” i love you to” we got out and went inside i had 3 older girl cousins there who were all excited to have me over love and being welcomed were not something there was a shortage on my uncle paul had merried my aunt debbie and had taken on her 4 kids 3 girls 9 11 15 and and a boy 13 but bobbie wasnt like my other cousin he never hurt any of girls and when we would watch 3 nijas he would always say ” girls you need to fight likethat whenever any body ever trys to hurt you. if it wasnt for me being so attached to my grandma and me being such a needy kid uncle pauls is were i should have stayed its were i would have stayed. things were going pretty smooth and i actually made it longer there than anywhere else one day i was outside playing with the closer to my age i went in side the house to go pee when i came out i heard banging coming from the girls room so i went to take a peak when i opened the door i saw uncle paul hammering away and singing along to the song coming from the peoples radio across the street ” why you doing that unc” he turned to look at me and the look on his face was hard to read ” hey kid i was hoping to have been done before you guys came in i wanted it to be a suprize for you i know it smaller then the girls bed but its your own little conner what you think” i lost all color in my face as my heart fell to my tummy my hand got cold and wet and my heart beat picked up ” uncle um uncle paul… why ” tears filled my eyes i wanted to go i had had enough run around if the grown ups wouldnt take me home i was going to go myself without another word i turned and bolted out the front door i ran as fast as i could and i didnt look back i had no idea were i was or how to get to 760 britten lane but i was going home i ran till i got a cramp and coulnt breath it sucks that the grown ups were so much more faster uncle paul being the great care taker he was was not too far behind me but inlike my 2nd fav uncle jo who were i was at last uncle paul didnt yell or call me names he didnt grab my arm or scare me he just grabed me and huged me and with tears running down his face with a kind tone said ok ok kid we will call your mom ok would you like to go with her? ” ” i want to go home uncle why you doing this i want gama please just let me go with gama” with those words he fell apart ” oh kid dont you understand you cant go home home isnt home anymore ” yes it is lier im not lying kid stop meany your lying i want to go home you cant go home why you steal me for huh why you kidnaped me from gama hers gona tell the jail guys and you gona go to jail all of you will for naping me away i hate you i want gama for him to have gotton to the state he was in he had to be hurt ” your grandmother my sister oh god why my sister why lily christina your grandma is dying its almost time for her to go home with god nooooooooo stop telling that to me no please i wana go with her i wana go home you take me home right now i dont wana go with nae i hate her i will never go with her she not my mom i wana go with grandma please im sorry kid im sorry for everything and im sorry you cant understand its not fair and im sorry i cant fix it im sorry kid so gama got to leave and not say bye why her not say bye she hates me fine i hate her to fine i hate everyone im going to go home with god and she cant come at this point my cousin ruben pulled up and after a few words with uncle paul put me in the car were we going uben im taking you home

1st lost 1st break no goodbye

i knew that grandma would be leaving and going to heaven and though i didnt understand why i knew that i could not go with her. as if it wasnt already a stressful situation my good ol family felt the need to step in and play god they kicked my mom out and then sent me to stay ” spend the night ” at an aunt and uncles but a night turned into a week and then 2, 3, up untill then i had slept in my grandmas bed every night and had never spent a night away from her for 8 years so its not too much of a shock to know that i didnt cope all too well with that arrangement i acted out had melt downs and even tired to run away i begged to go home but it didnt seem to matter after my aunt walked in on older cousin “playing doctor ” with me and my 2 other girl cousins one 7 and one 4 my favorite uncle came to get me and take me to his house “i want to go home” looking at me in the rearview mirro with a light warm smile he said ” kid i know you want to go home and i know how much you love grandma i love her too ya know shes like a 2nd mom to me and my best friend i really scared and i need your help okay i need you to be strong and be a big girl right now so my sister can rest without worry of anything so she can beat this so she can get better can you do that for me machi?” uncle paul is the best uncle anyone could ever ask for he is kind and loving funny and paitent and he always knows how to talk to us kids in a way that we understand no matter what age we are he is always feeding our minds and uses every situation to teach us about life. ” uncle paul if im good can i go home when grandma is better” ” kid as soon as the doctor gives the green light i will take you myself i pinky promise” ” but uncle we did not make our pinkys hook” ” havent i always told you the truth kid can i owe you a pinky hook when we get home” ” when we get to your home uncle ” he just chuckeled and noded a few moments later we were in his driveway before getting out he turned to look at me and looked like he was crying ” kid im sorry for everything im sorry that little puck hurt you im sorry my sister is sick im sorry your parents are not around but you are not alone you have me and you will always have me even when you go back home i will always be here for you i love you kid” ” i love you to” we got out and went inside i had 3 older girl cousins there who were all excited to have me over love and being welcomed were not something there was a shortage on my uncle paul had merried my aunt debbie and had taken on her 4 kids 3 girls 9 11 15 and and a boy 13 but bobbie wasnt like my other cousin he never hurt any of girls and when we would watch 3 nijas he would always say ” girls you need to fight likethat whenever any body ever trys to hurt you. if it wasnt for me being so attached to my grandma and me being such a needy kid uncle pauls is were i should have stayed its were i would have stayed. things were going pretty smooth and i actually made it longer there than anywhere else one day i was outside playing with the closer to my age i went in side the house to go pee when i came out i heard banging coming from the girls room so i went to take a peak when i opened the door i saw uncle paul hammering away and singing along to the song coming from the peoples radio across the street ” why you doing that unc” he turned to look at me and the look on his face was hard to read ” hey kid i was hoping to have been done before you guys came in i wanted it to be a suprize for you i know it smaller then the girls bed but its your own little conner what you think” i lost all color in my face as my heart fell to my tummy my hand got cold and wet and my heart beat picked up ” uncle um uncle paul… why ” tears filled my eyes i wanted to go i had had enough run around if the grown ups wouldnt take me home i was going to go myself without another word i turned and bolted out the front door i ran as fast as i could and i didnt look back i had no idea were i was or how to get to 760 britten lane but i was going home i ran till i got a cramp and coulnt breath it sucks that the grown ups were so much more faster uncle paul being the great care taker he was was not too far behind me but inlike my 2nd fav uncle jo who were i was at last uncle paul didnt yell or call me names he didnt grab my arm or scare me he just grabed me and huged me and with tears running down his face with a kind tone said ok ok kid we will call your mom ok would you like to go with her? ” ” i want to go home uncle why you doing this i want gama please just let me go with gama” with those words he fell apart ” oh kid dont you understand you cant go home home isnt home anymore ” yes it is lier im not lying kid stop meany your lying i want to go home you cant go home why you steal me for huh why you kidnaped me from gama hers gona tell the jail guys and you gona go to jail all of you will for naping me away i hate you i want gama for him to have gotton to the state he was in he had to be hurt ” your grandmother my sister oh god why my sister why lily christina your grandma is dying its almost time for her to go home with god nooooooooo stop telling that to me no please i wana go with her i wana go home you take me home right now i dont wana go with nae i hate her i will never go with her she not my mom i wana go with grandma please im sorry kid im sorry for everything and im sorry you cant understand its not fair and im sorry i cant fix it im sorry kid so gama got to leave and not say bye why her not say bye she hates me fine i hate her to fine i hate everyone im going to go home with god and she cant come at this point my cousin ruben pulled up and after a few words with uncle paul put me in the car were we going uben im taking you home

trap house cherry poping

i was 13 and boy crazy and he was cute omg he was cute i would get butterflies in my tummy when i saw him but he was older and there was enough tweaker pussy to keep him from noticing me or so i thought i dont know how it started but i do remeber the events leading up to my 1st sexual exprience. i was in the master bedroom at my cousins/ foster home/ trap house i was laying on her bed playing pokemon game cube my foster sister britany sitting next to me and my little sis tee on the ground in front of us playing with my baby sis risas hair. i dont know the reason but i didnt care the guy i was crushing hard on stood at the door “what you playing” he asked his voice sent chills down my deveoping body ” pokemon” risa said since i seemed to have lost my voice . i was closest with brit so knowing my feelings she went to get a snack opening up a free seat for him he sat down and reached for the controler i couldnt breath he was so sexy i heard the phone ring ” sissy ryans on the phone” without much thought i yelled back ” im not home” tee looked up at me squniting her eyes in a questioning pose ” i thought ryan was your boyfriend ” jays he turned to look at me his eyes were cold and wide and i was frozen under his stare ” hes not my boyfriend hes just wants to be ” brit came back and sat next to tee ” you fucked him up what happened with you guys ” i felt like i was under btight lights ” nothing happened ” then tee slaped me with ” of hes not your boyfriend why was he in your room with the door closed” i could feel jays heat burrning me though he was back to playing the game ” omg miss needs to know for the record nothing happened it was going to but it didnt” eating popcorn brit added ” why not hes hot” Yeah why not” jay add the lights got brighter . ” because he couldnt hanndle of accept it for what it was i dont want a boyfriend i just dont want to be the only girl in our cowd that hasnt had sex yet ok now can we drop it please” jays face lightened and he cracked a smile before leaving the room he mumbled “good”

later i bumped into him in the hallway to my suprize he didnt move to a side instead he grab my waist and walked me to my room closing the door he started kissing me ” youve really never had sex before ” i shook my head shamely and a bit embarresed ” do you want to” i looked up at him wanting him so bad ” im not going to be any good ” he chuckled and nuseled his face in my neck ” ill teach you” his words made my young pussy hot and wet while he kissed me he laid me down on the ground and took my pants off i covered my eyes ” damn he whispered your perfect ” i opened my legs to show that he was welcomed to enter me he put a condom on and got on his knees ” relax and breath” he place the head of his dick on my pussys opening ” tell me if it gets to be to too much ” i nodded he slowly pushed inside of my streching my tight new pussy for the 1st time my legs gribed around and i gasped “shhh” he whishpered as he nibbled my ear he went on pushing and pulling grunting and moaning i didnt know why it fucking hurt but it turned me on seeing him getting off not too soon but sooner then i wanted he stoped and laid inside me for a few moments then before pulling out he kissed my forehead and i heard a suckion sound from his masive cock pulling out of my tight sore pussy and then he was gone