when a heart has 2 homes

i have never claimed to be some kind of master at love i know very much on the topic i just tend to pay it by ear lisening to my gut and heart the whole way doing what feels right and thats not always an easy task it can be a lot of work and takes scarafice but isnt that what love is i mean it sound like that to me anyway there was a time when i was an escort when i was 23 i stated using to take back the power i lost at a young age at the same time making money i was sexually abused by my younger brothers dad and it made me hate anything to do with sex it was like pulling and i held guilt for stepping out mentally when i did have sex then when i started using the niddle i became a zombie and i started using my body to claim the chain of life i was cold and heartless and i got mine i didnt steal or cheat on dealings but led on i teased and sold a fantacy to older a dream of there being to our inrteractions then money while always giving them constent reminder that its all just part of the part and to make sure i hadnt lost them to a diluion i was a monster a pretior i would eat men up spit them out and have them beging me for more i even had some of their ladies but no matter who was by on or in me i was alone i was alone and i was fucking lonely .

then i had my 1st instent spark i was in the middle of trying to track down a pieace of shit that stole every i had i had nothing on me not even shoes i was taking to a small out door room where there were a few people to see if i could get a ride and there he was leaning agenst the dreser wearing a black long sleeve raider tee shrit black jeans black tenies he had a gold chain on his wrist and neck a dimond stud on his ear and he was drinking a natural ice tall can. i cant give what happened a name because i dont know what it was , it was like there was this vibrational jolts of engery fast and bright i remeber how the it felt as it rippled through my body i knew you were my 1st cosmic introducion i just was in the middle of a hard time and was in no shape ready for your arival and for that i will always carry shame and guilt. the few times we were around one another i know and knew that i was feeling but i had no idea why or what but it was your higher self no punt intended lol it was your inner you it was and will always be comic when we are together our souls are interacting and our bodies are just along for the ride speaking for myself you are one of my fav drugs when im not with you i long for you its deeping then missing i want you from the deepest part of my soul no matter what i do where i go or who i am with and around you are always in my minds eyes i can see you with my minds eye and i hold your image in my heart i know that you might not beleive me and i dont blame you in fact i want to say that i am so sorry from the botttom if the deepest part of my heart and soul i would never mean to hurt you ever i wish you knew just how special you are to me even when my actions make it easy to question it wasnt easy to do anything that hurt us timing is the monster for being so off i know for 100 & plus that timing is the why it is as it is during the TIMING of that i found yet another cosmic connection and even though i am with him or have been with him just because i love him does not take away from me loving you it dont what else to say other i have abndoment issues and it take a lot to keep me feeling secure and wither it be a front or yor true self its a gamble i havent been able to take the other part of it is my feeling like im needed by him like im the only one who understands for his true self being that i know how it feels to be abandoned i cant do it to someone else you dont need me sometimes you want me but you do need me and he never wants me unless someone else does but he always needs me even if he would never admit to i dont know if youll ever read this or if you even care since the times that we together your actions made it clear that i was nothing more a on call hole it confuses me because your actions words and vibes are all different and i never know which one is the truth i would have stayed with you i picked you but your so flighty and always doubting me and questioning me and my motives you make it easy to walk and stay but only for a moment because then my heart yells out to me and crys for you i dont know how much time i have left on this earth but the thought \of leaving it before having chance to tell you my true feelings hurts me one last thing i need to voice is that i also hold a bit of comfornt in knowing in my heart that you are one of my soul mates and that we are bonded deeper then this human vessel and that we will meet again at some point in some world that is probaly the main reason i am able to wait and go with the flow .

when a heart has 2 homes

i have never claimed to be some kind of master at love i know very much on the topic i just tend to pay it by ear lisening to my gut and heart the whole way doing what feels right and thats not always an easy task it can be a lot of work and takes scarafice but isnt that what love is i mean it sound like that to me anyway there was a time when i was an escort when i was 23 i stated using to take back the power i lost at a young age at the same time making money i was sexually abused by my younger brothers dad and it made me hate anything to do with sex it was like pulling and i held guilt for stepping out mentally when i did have sex then when i started using the niddle i became a zombie and i started using my body to claim the chain of life i was cold and heartless and i got mine i didnt steal or cheat on dealings but led on i teased and sold a fantacy to older a dream of there being to our inrteractions then money while always giving them constent reminder that its all just part of the part and to make sure i hadnt lost them to a diluion i was a monster a pretior i would eat men up spit them out and have them beging me for more i even had some of their ladies but no matter who was by on or in me i was alone i was alone and i was fucking lonely .

then i had my 1st instent spark i was in the middle of trying to track down a pieace of shit that stole every i had i had nothing on me not even shoes i was taking to a small out door room where there were a few people to see if i could get a ride and there he was leaning agenst the dreser wearing a black long sleeve raider tee shrit black jeans black tenies he had a gold chain on his wrist and neck a dimond stud on his ear and he was drinking a natural ice tall can. i cant give what happened a name because i dont know what it was , it was like there was this vibrational jolts of engery fast and bright i remeber how the it felt as it rippled through my body i knew you were my 1st cosmic introducion i just was in the middle of a hard time and was in no shape ready for your arival and for that i will always carry shame and guilt. the few times we were around one another i know and knew that i was feeling but i had no idea why or what but it was your higher self no punt intended lol it was your inner you it was and will always be comic when we are together our souls are interacting and our bodies are just along for the ride speaking for myself you are one of my fav drugs when im not with you i long for you its deeping then missing i want you from the deepest part of my soul no matter what i do where i go or who i am with and around you are always in my minds eyes i can see you with my minds eye and i hold your image in my heart i know that you might not beleive me and i dont blame you in fact i want to say that i am so sorry from the botttom if the deepest part of my heart and soul i would never mean to hurt you ever i wish you knew just how special you are to me even when my actions make it easy to question it wasnt easy to do anything that hurt us timing is the monster for being so off i know for 100 & plus that timing is the why it is as it is during the TIMING of that i found yet another cosmic connection and even though i am with him or have been with him just because i love him does not take away from me loving you it dont what else to say other i have abndoment issues and it take a lot to keep me feeling secure and wither it be a front or yor true self its a gamble i havent been able to take the other part of it is my feeling like im needed by him like im the only one who understands for his true self being that i know how it feels to be abandoned i cant do it to someone else you dont need me sometimes you want me but you do need me and he never wants me unless someone else does but he always needs me even if he would never admit to i dont know if youll ever read this or if you even care since the times that we together your actions made it clear that i was nothing more a on call hole it confuses me because your actions words and vibes are all different and i never know which one is the truth i would have stayed with you i picked you but your so flighty and always doubting me and questioning me and my motives you make it easy to walk and stay but only for a moment because then my heart yells out to me and crys for you i dont know how much time i have left on this earth but the thought \of leaving it before having chance to tell you my true feelings hurts me one last thing i need to voice is that i also hold a bit of comfornt in knowing in my heart that you are one of my soul mates and that we are bonded deeper then this human vessel and that we will meet again at some point in some world that is probaly the main reason i am able to wait and go with the flow .

minding his own bussniess rooting my room

while in my addicion i placed smoking pot on the back burnner but never gave it up completely. i had just moved into my 1st apartment and had a house full when i got a home my tribe got a home it was a studio so it was small but it was packed and it was nice . i had gone to the club the week before and got some bomb i was saving for my come down after getting off work i had 3 days to look forward to i was a zombie and ready for my 3 day nap and the only thing that gave me drive to get home was knowing i had that bomb. when i got home my little brother was on the couch and already blown out of his mind ” you wana smoke” he asked laid out and looking up at me from under his low set beanie ” ya ill match you” before i could go to my closet of a room he protested for me to hold off and just hit the shit so i sat down next to him and took in a long deep hit holding it in for as long as i could brfore letting it out and choking half to death we smoke 2 blunts and i was feeling perfect we talked stoner talk laughed and watched a stoner flick when the high started to fade i wentto my room to get my match i couldnt find it for the life of me just as i was ready to acept that i was losing my mind my brother yelled out “oh hey so like earlier i was in your room just like minding my bussniess rooting your room and ah so you know that weed we just enjoyed well um thankz” that little fucker was my heart and soul and he could never do any wrong plus he was lucky that it was pretty good bud i went out to give him a sock to the leg and an i love you before falling to the floor and passing the fuck out little brothers right what you going to do?

1st lost 1st break no goodbye

i knew that grandma would be leaving and going to heaven and though i didnt understand why i knew that i could not go with her. as if it wasnt already a stressful situation my good ol family felt the need to step in and play god they kicked my mom out and then sent me to stay ” spend the night ” at an aunt and uncles but a night turned into a week and then 2, 3, up untill then i had slept in my grandmas bed every night and had never spent a night away from her for 8 years so its not too much of a shock to know that i didnt cope all too well with that arrangement i acted out had melt downs and even tired to run away i begged to go home but it didnt seem to matter after my aunt walked in on older cousin “playing doctor ” with me and my 2 other girl cousins one 7 and one 4 my favorite uncle came to get me and take me to his house “i want to go home” looking at me in the rearview mirro with a light warm smile he said ” kid i know you want to go home and i know how much you love grandma i love her too ya know shes like a 2nd mom to me and my best friend i really scared and i need your help okay i need you to be strong and be a big girl right now so my sister can rest without worry of anything so she can beat this so she can get better can you do that for me machi?” uncle paul is the best uncle anyone could ever ask for he is kind and loving funny and paitent and he always knows how to talk to us kids in a way that we understand no matter what age we are he is always feeding our minds and uses every situation to teach us about life. ” uncle paul if im good can i go home when grandma is better” ” kid as soon as the doctor gives the green light i will take you myself i pinky promise” ” but uncle we did not make our pinkys hook” ” havent i always told you the truth kid can i owe you a pinky hook when we get home” ” when we get to your home uncle ” he just chuckeled and noded a few moments later we were in his driveway before getting out he turned to look at me and looked like he was crying ” kid im sorry for everything im sorry that little puck hurt you im sorry my sister is sick im sorry your parents are not around but you are not alone you have me and you will always have me even when you go back home i will always be here for you i love you kid” ” i love you to” we got out and went inside i had 3 older girl cousins there who were all excited to have me over love and being welcomed were not something there was a shortage on my uncle paul had merried my aunt debbie and had taken on her 4 kids 3 girls 9 11 15 and and a boy 13 but bobbie wasnt like my other cousin he never hurt any of girls and when we would watch 3 nijas he would always say ” girls you need to fight likethat whenever any body ever trys to hurt you. if it wasnt for me being so attached to my grandma and me being such a needy kid uncle pauls is were i should have stayed its were i would have stayed. things were going pretty smooth and i actually made it longer there than anywhere else one day i was outside playing with the closer to my age i went in side the house to go pee when i came out i heard banging coming from the girls room so i went to take a peak when i opened the door i saw uncle paul hammering away and singing along to the song coming from the peoples radio across the street ” why you doing that unc” he turned to look at me and the look on his face was hard to read ” hey kid i was hoping to have been done before you guys came in i wanted it to be a suprize for you i know it smaller then the girls bed but its your own little conner what you think” i lost all color in my face as my heart fell to my tummy my hand got cold and wet and my heart beat picked up ” uncle um uncle paul… why ” tears filled my eyes i wanted to go i had had enough run around if the grown ups wouldnt take me home i was going to go myself without another word i turned and bolted out the front door i ran as fast as i could and i didnt look back i had no idea were i was or how to get to 760 britten lane but i was going home i ran till i got a cramp and coulnt breath it sucks that the grown ups were so much more faster uncle paul being the great care taker he was was not too far behind me but inlike my 2nd fav uncle jo who were i was at last uncle paul didnt yell or call me names he didnt grab my arm or scare me he just grabed me and huged me and with tears running down his face with a kind tone said ok ok kid we will call your mom ok would you like to go with her? ” ” i want to go home uncle why you doing this i want gama please just let me go with gama” with those words he fell apart ” oh kid dont you understand you cant go home home isnt home anymore ” yes it is lier im not lying kid stop meany your lying i want to go home you cant go home why you steal me for huh why you kidnaped me from gama hers gona tell the jail guys and you gona go to jail all of you will for naping me away i hate you i want gama for him to have gotton to the state he was in he had to be hurt ” your grandmother my sister oh god why my sister why lily christina your grandma is dying its almost time for her to go home with god nooooooooo stop telling that to me no please i wana go with her i wana go home you take me home right now i dont wana go with nae i hate her i will never go with her she not my mom i wana go with grandma please im sorry kid im sorry for everything and im sorry you cant understand its not fair and im sorry i cant fix it im sorry kid so gama got to leave and not say bye why her not say bye she hates me fine i hate her to fine i hate everyone im going to go home with god and she cant come at this point my cousin ruben pulled up and after a few words with uncle paul put me in the car were we going uben im taking you home

1st lost 1st break no goodbye

i knew that grandma would be leaving and going to heaven and though i didnt understand why i knew that i could not go with her. as if it wasnt already a stressful situation my good ol family felt the need to step in and play god they kicked my mom out and then sent me to stay ” spend the night ” at an aunt and uncles but a night turned into a week and then 2, 3, up untill then i had slept in my grandmas bed every night and had never spent a night away from her for 8 years so its not too much of a shock to know that i didnt cope all too well with that arrangement i acted out had melt downs and even tired to run away i begged to go home but it didnt seem to matter after my aunt walked in on older cousin “playing doctor ” with me and my 2 other girl cousins one 7 and one 4 my favorite uncle came to get me and take me to his house “i want to go home” looking at me in the rearview mirro with a light warm smile he said ” kid i know you want to go home and i know how much you love grandma i love her too ya know shes like a 2nd mom to me and my best friend i really scared and i need your help okay i need you to be strong and be a big girl right now so my sister can rest without worry of anything so she can beat this so she can get better can you do that for me machi?” uncle paul is the best uncle anyone could ever ask for he is kind and loving funny and paitent and he always knows how to talk to us kids in a way that we understand no matter what age we are he is always feeding our minds and uses every situation to teach us about life. ” uncle paul if im good can i go home when grandma is better” ” kid as soon as the doctor gives the green light i will take you myself i pinky promise” ” but uncle we did not make our pinkys hook” ” havent i always told you the truth kid can i owe you a pinky hook when we get home” ” when we get to your home uncle ” he just chuckeled and noded a few moments later we were in his driveway before getting out he turned to look at me and looked like he was crying ” kid im sorry for everything im sorry that little puck hurt you im sorry my sister is sick im sorry your parents are not around but you are not alone you have me and you will always have me even when you go back home i will always be here for you i love you kid” ” i love you to” we got out and went inside i had 3 older girl cousins there who were all excited to have me over love and being welcomed were not something there was a shortage on my uncle paul had merried my aunt debbie and had taken on her 4 kids 3 girls 9 11 15 and and a boy 13 but bobbie wasnt like my other cousin he never hurt any of girls and when we would watch 3 nijas he would always say ” girls you need to fight likethat whenever any body ever trys to hurt you. if it wasnt for me being so attached to my grandma and me being such a needy kid uncle pauls is were i should have stayed its were i would have stayed. things were going pretty smooth and i actually made it longer there than anywhere else one day i was outside playing with the closer to my age i went in side the house to go pee when i came out i heard banging coming from the girls room so i went to take a peak when i opened the door i saw uncle paul hammering away and singing along to the song coming from the peoples radio across the street ” why you doing that unc” he turned to look at me and the look on his face was hard to read ” hey kid i was hoping to have been done before you guys came in i wanted it to be a suprize for you i know it smaller then the girls bed but its your own little conner what you think” i lost all color in my face as my heart fell to my tummy my hand got cold and wet and my heart beat picked up ” uncle um uncle paul… why ” tears filled my eyes i wanted to go i had had enough run around if the grown ups wouldnt take me home i was going to go myself without another word i turned and bolted out the front door i ran as fast as i could and i didnt look back i had no idea were i was or how to get to 760 britten lane but i was going home i ran till i got a cramp and coulnt breath it sucks that the grown ups were so much more faster uncle paul being the great care taker he was was not too far behind me but inlike my 2nd fav uncle jo who were i was at last uncle paul didnt yell or call me names he didnt grab my arm or scare me he just grabed me and huged me and with tears running down his face with a kind tone said ok ok kid we will call your mom ok would you like to go with her? ” ” i want to go home uncle why you doing this i want gama please just let me go with gama” with those words he fell apart ” oh kid dont you understand you cant go home home isnt home anymore ” yes it is lier im not lying kid stop meany your lying i want to go home you cant go home why you steal me for huh why you kidnaped me from gama hers gona tell the jail guys and you gona go to jail all of you will for naping me away i hate you i want gama for him to have gotton to the state he was in he had to be hurt ” your grandmother my sister oh god why my sister why lily christina your grandma is dying its almost time for her to go home with god nooooooooo stop telling that to me no please i wana go with her i wana go home you take me home right now i dont wana go with nae i hate her i will never go with her she not my mom i wana go with grandma please im sorry kid im sorry for everything and im sorry you cant understand its not fair and im sorry i cant fix it im sorry kid so gama got to leave and not say bye why her not say bye she hates me fine i hate her to fine i hate everyone im going to go home with god and she cant come at this point my cousin ruben pulled up and after a few words with uncle paul put me in the car were we going uben im taking you home

1st lost 1st break no goodbye

i knew that grandma would be leaving and going to heaven and though i didnt understand why i knew that i could not go with her. as if it wasnt already a stressful situation my good ol family felt the need to step in and play god they kicked my mom out and then sent me to stay ” spend the night ” at an aunt and uncles but a night turned into a week and then 2, 3, up untill then i had slept in my grandmas bed every night and had never spent a night away from her for 8 years so its not too much of a shock to know that i didnt cope all too well with that arrangement i acted out had melt downs and even tired to run away i begged to go home but it didnt seem to matter after my aunt walked in on older cousin “playing doctor ” with me and my 2 other girl cousins one 7 and one 4 my favorite uncle came to get me and take me to his house “i want to go home” looking at me in the rearview mirro with a light warm smile he said ” kid i know you want to go home and i know how much you love grandma i love her too ya know shes like a 2nd mom to me and my best friend i really scared and i need your help okay i need you to be strong and be a big girl right now so my sister can rest without worry of anything so she can beat this so she can get better can you do that for me machi?” uncle paul is the best uncle anyone could ever ask for he is kind and loving funny and paitent and he always knows how to talk to us kids in a way that we understand no matter what age we are he is always feeding our minds and uses every situation to teach us about life. ” uncle paul if im good can i go home when grandma is better” ” kid as soon as the doctor gives the green light i will take you myself i pinky promise” ” but uncle we did not make our pinkys hook” ” havent i always told you the truth kid can i owe you a pinky hook when we get home” ” when we get to your home uncle ” he just chuckeled and noded a few moments later we were in his driveway before getting out he turned to look at me and looked like he was crying ” kid im sorry for everything im sorry that little puck hurt you im sorry my sister is sick im sorry your parents are not around but you are not alone you have me and you will always have me even when you go back home i will always be here for you i love you kid” ” i love you to” we got out and went inside i had 3 older girl cousins there who were all excited to have me over love and being welcomed were not something there was a shortage on my uncle paul had merried my aunt debbie and had taken on her 4 kids 3 girls 9 11 15 and and a boy 13 but bobbie wasnt like my other cousin he never hurt any of girls and when we would watch 3 nijas he would always say ” girls you need to fight likethat whenever any body ever trys to hurt you. if it wasnt for me being so attached to my grandma and me being such a needy kid uncle pauls is were i should have stayed its were i would have stayed. things were going pretty smooth and i actually made it longer there than anywhere else one day i was outside playing with the closer to my age i went in side the house to go pee when i came out i heard banging coming from the girls room so i went to take a peak when i opened the door i saw uncle paul hammering away and singing along to the song coming from the peoples radio across the street ” why you doing that unc” he turned to look at me and the look on his face was hard to read ” hey kid i was hoping to have been done before you guys came in i wanted it to be a suprize for you i know it smaller then the girls bed but its your own little conner what you think” i lost all color in my face as my heart fell to my tummy my hand got cold and wet and my heart beat picked up ” uncle um uncle paul… why ” tears filled my eyes i wanted to go i had had enough run around if the grown ups wouldnt take me home i was going to go myself without another word i turned and bolted out the front door i ran as fast as i could and i didnt look back i had no idea were i was or how to get to 760 britten lane but i was going home i ran till i got a cramp and coulnt breath it sucks that the grown ups were so much more faster uncle paul being the great care taker he was was not too far behind me but inlike my 2nd fav uncle jo who were i was at last uncle paul didnt yell or call me names he didnt grab my arm or scare me he just grabed me and huged me and with tears running down his face with a kind tone said ok ok kid we will call your mom ok would you like to go with her? ” ” i want to go home uncle why you doing this i want gama please just let me go with gama” with those words he fell apart ” oh kid dont you understand you cant go home home isnt home anymore ” yes it is lier im not lying kid stop meany your lying i want to go home you cant go home why you steal me for huh why you kidnaped me from gama hers gona tell the jail guys and you gona go to jail all of you will for naping me away i hate you i want gama for him to have gotton to the state he was in he had to be hurt ” your grandmother my sister oh god why my sister why lily christina your grandma is dying its almost time for her to go home with god nooooooooo stop telling that to me no please i wana go with her i wana go home you take me home right now i dont wana go with nae i hate her i will never go with her she not my mom i wana go with grandma please im sorry kid im sorry for everything and im sorry you cant understand its not fair and im sorry i cant fix it im sorry kid so gama got to leave and not say bye why her not say bye she hates me fine i hate her to fine i hate everyone im going to go home with god and she cant come at this point my cousin ruben pulled up and after a few words with uncle paul put me in the car were we going uben im taking you home

trap house cherry poping

i was 13 and boy crazy and he was cute omg he was cute i would get butterflies in my tummy when i saw him but he was older and there was enough tweaker pussy to keep him from noticing me or so i thought i dont know how it started but i do remeber the events leading up to my 1st sexual exprience. i was in the master bedroom at my cousins/ foster home/ trap house i was laying on her bed playing pokemon game cube my foster sister britany sitting next to me and my little sis tee on the ground in front of us playing with my baby sis risas hair. i dont know the reason but i didnt care the guy i was crushing hard on stood at the door “what you playing” he asked his voice sent chills down my deveoping body ” pokemon” risa said since i seemed to have lost my voice . i was closest with brit so knowing my feelings she went to get a snack opening up a free seat for him he sat down and reached for the controler i couldnt breath he was so sexy i heard the phone ring ” sissy ryans on the phone” without much thought i yelled back ” im not home” tee looked up at me squniting her eyes in a questioning pose ” i thought ryan was your boyfriend ” jays he turned to look at me his eyes were cold and wide and i was frozen under his stare ” hes not my boyfriend hes just wants to be ” brit came back and sat next to tee ” you fucked him up what happened with you guys ” i felt like i was under btight lights ” nothing happened ” then tee slaped me with ” of hes not your boyfriend why was he in your room with the door closed” i could feel jays heat burrning me though he was back to playing the game ” omg miss needs to know for the record nothing happened it was going to but it didnt” eating popcorn brit added ” why not hes hot” Yeah why not” jay add the lights got brighter . ” because he couldnt hanndle of accept it for what it was i dont want a boyfriend i just dont want to be the only girl in our cowd that hasnt had sex yet ok now can we drop it please” jays face lightened and he cracked a smile before leaving the room he mumbled “good”

later i bumped into him in the hallway to my suprize he didnt move to a side instead he grab my waist and walked me to my room closing the door he started kissing me ” youve really never had sex before ” i shook my head shamely and a bit embarresed ” do you want to” i looked up at him wanting him so bad ” im not going to be any good ” he chuckled and nuseled his face in my neck ” ill teach you” his words made my young pussy hot and wet while he kissed me he laid me down on the ground and took my pants off i covered my eyes ” damn he whispered your perfect ” i opened my legs to show that he was welcomed to enter me he put a condom on and got on his knees ” relax and breath” he place the head of his dick on my pussys opening ” tell me if it gets to be to too much ” i nodded he slowly pushed inside of my streching my tight new pussy for the 1st time my legs gribed around and i gasped “shhh” he whishpered as he nibbled my ear he went on pushing and pulling grunting and moaning i didnt know why it fucking hurt but it turned me on seeing him getting off not too soon but sooner then i wanted he stoped and laid inside me for a few moments then before pulling out he kissed my forehead and i heard a suckion sound from his masive cock pulling out of my tight sore pussy and then he was gone

all me right there i did that

i kissed her body along her frame licking every curve she shivered when i got to her legs tracing the inside of tighs with my tounge i pulled off her panties as she lefted her ass to allow them to to slip off her legs fell sepreate and i moved in between them i open her bare pussy lips and licked her pussy from clit to opening she let out a yelp ” mmm baby fuck” i sucked her clit hard and tight ” fuck baby you guna make me come fast” i pulled back ” not yet ” i said taking a small pussy bullet out of the bag i slowly sliped it into her tight little pussy her body curled but i kept her legs on either side of me i held the controler agenst her tight and pushed the button ” uh ooooh fuuuuckk mmm uh mm uh uh” i sucked on her tiny hard clit teasing it with my ring woking between slow and fast pastes finding the perfect patteren to make her almost reasch her climax then id stop pull back and blow on her pussy causing her to slowing drop away form the grand fanaliy ” oh my god it feels so good” ” is this my pussy” i ask her ” tell me its mine baby i need to hear that this tight little pussy is mine all mine an i promise baby ill make you come so hard and ill lick every bit of you i just need to hear that its all mine ” ” its your baby its all yours fuck baby i swear this tight little pussy is all your please please i need to come make me come baby please make come all over uyou face please baby” that was it i was so hot i pressed m face back latching onto her clit i hit the high speed on the butlets controler and her her home her leg wrapped around my neck tight she thrush into my face screaming out my name ” fuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkk chhhhhristian fuuuuuckkkk iiiiiii lllloove yoooooou!” she violtetly grinded into my face begging me not to stop her hands grasping my l0ng thick hair the she arched back tightly and gave a few jolts before colapsing her breathing was fast and hard it made me so hot and my own clit hard as a rock my pussy flexed and driped from just seeing her lay there in such pleasure damn i did that fuck yea blood thats all \me!

from the rose to the lake back t0 the r0se

i had spent the night before walking around middle town it was winter and the night before the last i had slept outside in a friends carport with my 2 mo old red noise pup and my 15 yr old lapso stubies and swisher i was tired cold and outside my mind i felt like at any moment i was going to die from over load the wond my family had left on me was still fresh ive never been any good when it comes to expressing let alone controling my emotions i have like everything worng with im odd and an outcast i am so fucked up that i get state disability for social phobia its a fucked up thing to have it is very frustrating and very lonely. there are things in my life that i cant really explain some i dont fully understand myself but i seem to have a strange luck strike that kicks in and out at the most random times my phone was on a low percet and there was no where to charge it a man and lady walked out the casino i had sat in front of to be in the light and around people i didnt know where i was and i was scared i didnt want to become a lamp shade in some dark off the grid creepy shack some where anyways i was off to the side trying to keep my dogs and myself as warm as possible when a couple walked up and must have won big beacuse all he said was “do you want some money” not sure if i heard him right and beig socially challenged i responded ” im sorry i dont have any money ” then he handed me a 100 dollar bill i manage to get contact my moms best friend who had live in the area before and knew her way around i gave her details of my surroundings and she picked me up to take me back to santa rosa with no where to go and my phone dead and still very tired when we reached windsor i got droped off where my little brother was visiting at a family friends i rolled out of the car and pretty much past the fuck out in an instant. i rested for only a few moments i dont like to be a burdan and i hate incovinceing anyone so i rushed up and jolted to the gold old gold coin in santa rosa i needed a night to rest and get my head right id worry and think the following day but for just that moment i needed rest fuck i needed to sleep and when i had gotten inside the room and locked the door that is just what i did.

final blow

When i got that final blow it really broke me and i was broken for a long time. After all the work i had i done after all the change i went through after all the cheap shots they r through after all the times i stayed standing in a flash i was back on the pipe worse then ever before only this time i had no reason to come out if no babies to go home to my reason for living had been ripped away from me and there was nothing i could do beacuse it didnt matter how hard i fought they didnt care how many classes i took or how long i was clean for they didnt care who said what or how much i progressed when i changed something about myself to better myself they had moved on to a new demand im sorry for the launge but they fucked me and didt even botter to offer lube. Its easy to make a fast judgement on addicts when you havent fell victum to their hold. If anyone really thinks that its something that is choose just for the hell of it you really need to see someone about the wireing of your brain because if consit pain sounds like fun your pretty messed up yourself i can only speak for myself so for me no it is not fun to be on edge to hear your babies cry in your mind but know that they are not any where near you and even when they are crying there is nothing that you can do about it. I would to know and please if anyone has exprience that can prove me wrong im all ears. I myself did not wake up one random day and think “ hey i know i want to sacrafice myself to the devil himself i want to depend on a white power rock so bad that no matter the cost i would find a way to pay i lose everything and one i care about ill eat from dumpsters and stay in parks on cold rainy nights and i will volentreer to play ring around the rosie with cops. No for me doingdrugs wasnt about what feeling they gave but about the feelings they numbed and the mental sounds that they silenced and they memories that they clouded. When the world beat me down and everyone faled me drugs were there they didnt care about age gender sex faith race style etc it took on the souls of the broken and even though it is known to come with consencquces and risk and everything becomes dispolsable this all sounds bad and it is but take a few steps back and consder before blaming and judging the addict for their illness judge and blame the illness that comsumes a person and cripples them with addiction. Leaving them empty lost amd broken then toping it off leaving lonely. Being an addicit is harsh and unfair id like to think that you were lucky enough to catcch n addict in a state where the true them is awake in tune or smiply present we all would give it up if we could just go back to the moment we bit the fishermans hook.

Turning point

I am a drug user theres no need to lie about it however i have a different opion about the term drug addict being as it is not quit the drug itself that i would say that i am addicted to but that it is the escape from my mental burdens and pain inside that i am hooked on i like not feeling whats inside and the pain from even just memories is vile and a kind of inhumane punishment and when i am sober i am left to face the monsters within SO yeah i will use or try ANYTHING well just about anything if there is a chance that it will aid me in a temp brake from realaity i understand that there are not too many others that are considered idel rolemodels that will say they agree or even undertand this thinking of mine and i respect their opion and take it with a grain of salt because anther one of my diy truths is that unless you have been threre your descripion cant really be taken in stone and made a fact. I hear all the ignorant responses like “thats your addict talking” or “ thats just slick playing mind games with you “ sorry but no that is my truth and i can speak on it because i live it everyday and i have proven many times that when needed to i get clean and its not something that takes a lot of force or fight because when i say needed i am talking about times when my life has meaning to it, when i have reason llike when we moved to freson to have the baby and to be with my daughter yes i had a hard time finding reason to get clean even i was pregant because the way my life was and being in the same place there was no reason there was not any hope i was walking a dead end road and i didnt dear to hope or wish for anything good. But when we got to fresno in a blink of an eye i droped everything i left santa rosa and when i did i left the old me behind i was a different person i was a mommy and i loved it more then anything i didnt need to get high because i had the best rush in the world and even when i found out that my mom was getting high or when my man started getting high with her and my step dad i didnt even think about it it wasnt an opion i didnt need it i didnt want it. I got weak when i lost the baby that pain was one i wouldnt wish on the worse killer it was one that i cant even put into words fully but as i handed my last brand new baby over and when i had to say goodbye to my baby girl again and tell her again that i was sorry that i was not able to keep her and that i was helpless and unable to do anything to help her yea i got weak my life once more had lost all meaning reason and purpose in less of a blink of an eye and i had no reason to live let alone be clean but something was different that time i was different and instead of releif that time as i took my breaking hit i felt defeated and lost respect and love for myself ,