when a heart has 2 homes

i have never claimed to be some kind of master at love i know very much on the topic i just tend to pay it by ear lisening to my gut and heart the whole way doing what feels right and thats not always an easy task it can be a lot of work and takes scarafice but isnt that what love is i mean it sound like that to me anyway there was a time when i was an escort when i was 23 i stated using to take back the power i lost at a young age at the same time making money i was sexually abused by my younger brothers dad and it made me hate anything to do with sex it was like pulling and i held guilt for stepping out mentally when i did have sex then when i started using the niddle i became a zombie and i started using my body to claim the chain of life i was cold and heartless and i got mine i didnt steal or cheat on dealings but led on i teased and sold a fantacy to older a dream of there being to our inrteractions then money while always giving them constent reminder that its all just part of the part and to make sure i hadnt lost them to a diluion i was a monster a pretior i would eat men up spit them out and have them beging me for more i even had some of their ladies but no matter who was by on or in me i was alone i was alone and i was fucking lonely .

then i had my 1st instent spark i was in the middle of trying to track down a pieace of shit that stole every i had i had nothing on me not even shoes i was taking to a small out door room where there were a few people to see if i could get a ride and there he was leaning agenst the dreser wearing a black long sleeve raider tee shrit black jeans black tenies he had a gold chain on his wrist and neck a dimond stud on his ear and he was drinking a natural ice tall can. i cant give what happened a name because i dont know what it was , it was like there was this vibrational jolts of engery fast and bright i remeber how the it felt as it rippled through my body i knew you were my 1st cosmic introducion i just was in the middle of a hard time and was in no shape ready for your arival and for that i will always carry shame and guilt. the few times we were around one another i know and knew that i was feeling but i had no idea why or what but it was your higher self no punt intended lol it was your inner you it was and will always be comic when we are together our souls are interacting and our bodies are just along for the ride speaking for myself you are one of my fav drugs when im not with you i long for you its deeping then missing i want you from the deepest part of my soul no matter what i do where i go or who i am with and around you are always in my minds eyes i can see you with my minds eye and i hold your image in my heart i know that you might not beleive me and i dont blame you in fact i want to say that i am so sorry from the botttom if the deepest part of my heart and soul i would never mean to hurt you ever i wish you knew just how special you are to me even when my actions make it easy to question it wasnt easy to do anything that hurt us timing is the monster for being so off i know for 100 & plus that timing is the why it is as it is during the TIMING of that i found yet another cosmic connection and even though i am with him or have been with him just because i love him does not take away from me loving you it dont what else to say other i have abndoment issues and it take a lot to keep me feeling secure and wither it be a front or yor true self its a gamble i havent been able to take the other part of it is my feeling like im needed by him like im the only one who understands for his true self being that i know how it feels to be abandoned i cant do it to someone else you dont need me sometimes you want me but you do need me and he never wants me unless someone else does but he always needs me even if he would never admit to i dont know if youll ever read this or if you even care since the times that we together your actions made it clear that i was nothing more a on call hole it confuses me because your actions words and vibes are all different and i never know which one is the truth i would have stayed with you i picked you but your so flighty and always doubting me and questioning me and my motives you make it easy to walk and stay but only for a moment because then my heart yells out to me and crys for you i dont know how much time i have left on this earth but the thought \of leaving it before having chance to tell you my true feelings hurts me one last thing i need to voice is that i also hold a bit of comfornt in knowing in my heart that you are one of my soul mates and that we are bonded deeper then this human vessel and that we will meet again at some point in some world that is probaly the main reason i am able to wait and go with the flow .

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